Second Challenge of the Fourth Campaign: Things Gone Bad

I’m interupting the usual order of posts to give you the second challenge of Rachael Harrie’s Fourth Campaign. I give you the story first and you can find the rules here. I chose to write a piece of flash fiction in a genre not my own using all the prompts and came in at 160 words. And yes, I’m a glutton for punishment so I would like critiques.  

Things gone bad

Running through the torrential rain had drenched my hair and water ran into my eyes making it difficult to see. Fortunately we found shelter under the remains from a concrete bridge and it felt good to rest our backs against the rusted bridge supports. As the only doctor, I was treating a woman’s deep thigh wound. As I assessed her, my patient kept talking about her child wearing a red jacket playing with a ball on top of the bridge. I put this off as part of her delusion from the fever caused by the wound because the bridge was in ruins. I pulled out my water pear and energy spirals combining them in the way taught at school and aimed them at her leg. It should have healed her immediately. But it didn’t. Worried, I looked over at the half-clad children shifting through a pile of rubble and wished fervently that things were different.

The end

Thank you for reading! I’m number 55 if you like it and want to show your love. Otherwise return to Rachael Harrie’s site and read the other great stories.

Advertisements

About ClaraBowmanJahn

Journal writer. Author of "Annie's Special Day" And coauthor of Edmund Pickle Chin, A Donkey Rescue Story." Proud mother and grandmother of wonderful kids. Wife of brilliant husband. Servant of two cats. Member of Pennwriters and SCBWI.
This entry was posted in blogging, Clara Bowman-Jahn, Clarike Bowman-Jahn, social networking, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

56 Responses to Second Challenge of the Fourth Campaign: Things Gone Bad

  1. CC Champagne says:

    I am intrigued about where this would be leading, but – as you say you are a glutton for punishment (and I am a self-confessed know-it-all) – I would have a look at the use of commas and the word ‘and’ in this text… There was something in there that bothered me when reading (and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way).

    Like

  2. Jarm Del Boccio says:

    Very good, Clar…I wouldn’t know where to begin, so I am stalling! Good segues from one prompt to another. Keep up the good work!

    Like

  3. WOW! That was GREAT!!

    Like

    • clarbojahn says:

      Thanks, Erik.
      No words for the wise?
      Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. 🙂

      Like

      • I think you gave a “real” picture in my head of what you were writing about! I would love to read what happens next (hopefully a good ending). “Energy spirals” got my interest! I voted for you too 🙂

        Like

        • clarbojahn says:

          Thanks Erik, But I think you broke the rules. I think only other campaigners are aloud to vote although I am really glad for the kind words. I didn’t know what else to call the screen saver prompt and I wanted it to be a futuristic medicinal cure. Even after being out of nursing for almost ten years I still love medicine. 🙂

          Like

  4. Sue says:

    I’m not sure what genre this was supposed to be – end of world – psychological? I also think you forced the use of the last prompt – didn’t quite fit. You definitely have a good story but it might take some work to get it out
    #48

    Like

    • clarbojahn says:

      Thanks for chiming in. I agree with you. I didn’t know what else to call the screen saver and I wanted it to be a magic cure.

      I don’t know what genre it is either -sci fi? or futuristic? I’m a children’s picture book author. Not too good with other genres. I’ll work on it.:)

      Like

  5. Catherine Johnson says:

    This is fantastic, it’s like you normally write this genre Clar. The only thing I picked up on is the structure of your opening sentence. It’s hard to know what the subject is. I would simply cut the first three words. Super!

    Like

  6. This is very different for you. I like it and want to know what happened to the child on the bridge. I imagine a war zone.

    Like

  7. Ooh, I really like it, Clar! It pulls you right in, makes you picture the aftermath of a natural disaster or a war zone or an alien invasion or something… Leaves me wanting to read more!

    Like

  8. Marcy says:

    Great job for writing outside of your normal genre. I did like the healing energy spirals.

    Like

  9. Excellent story Clar, like the others I am now wanting more…lol. Good for you doing the 4th Platform Challenge.
    I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here and letting you know that I have awarded you the Kreativ and Sunshine Awards…. check them out on my blog to pick them up… Congrats!
    Good luck with the Challenge.

    Like

  10. Liza says:

    I like what you did with the water pear! (#30)

    Like

  11. Morgan Shamy says:

    You’re a fantastic writer… Great connection to each sentence and so clever with fitting in the prompts! Just “liked” 😉

    Like

  12. Wow. That’s amazing how you incorporated all those elements into 200 words. And it actually sounds like a story! Good job!

    Like

  13. Well done. I enjoyed your entry for the challenge.

    Like

  14. The flow seems a little off, and I felt distanced from the story. But I like the idea of magic not working. You set up a great world here.

    #38

    Like

  15. Heather says:

    The trouble with flash fiction is that I always want to know more. That would be my critique – MORE about the narrator; MORE about the child in the red jacket; MORE about why his/her powers didn’t work; MORE about why they were running… Of course, it’s flash fiction – so under those confines, it’s a great story! 🙂 (Probably not much help, huh?)

    Like

  16. Intriguing story! Writing is so subjective, but here are a few of my thoughts—take or ignore, of course. 🙂

    I would take out ‘fortunately,’ which is a given based on the remaining text. I’d also change “it felt good to rest…” to something stronger, like “Our backs took refuge the rusted bridge supports.”

    I really dig this sentence: “I put this off as part of her delusion from the fever caused by the wound because the bridge was in ruins.” From here one out, the story seems most powerful to me. (I’d also take out the word ‘Worried,’ which seems unnecessary.) Best of luck! Glad to have found your blog.

    Like

  17. Ha… My mistake: “Our backs too refuge AGAINST…” Seems my suggested edits need editing. 😉

    Like

  18. Ashley Nixon says:

    I really enjoyed this! I really liked the use of the water pear and the energy thing (whatever that thing is! lol). I like your writing style, as well–you have very clear writing and the imagery works so well. I do wish I knew more about the world, though, that is the negative of flash fiction!

    Good job!

    Like

  19. Clever use of the prompts. Nice entry. ; )
    Melissa Maygrove #14

    Like

  20. C.M. Brown says:

    It was intriguing how the water spiral didn’t work, it made me wonder whether they were from a different time or planet? Nice entry!

    Like

    • clarbojahn says:

      Yes, I was trying for a little fantasy or paranormal. I’m just learning about other genres really, my usual is children’s.
      Thanks for the nice words. 🙂

      Like

  21. Pingback: Second Challenge – Platform Building Campaign…. « shanjeniah

  22. Very nice use of the prompts. I could feel the hopelessness of the doctor. You packed so much emotion into one paragraph. This is a really well-done story.
    Richard Alan #75

    Like

  23. shanjeniah says:

    I would love to see you use those 40 words to add layers to the story….there seems much more here, and I want to know what it is…..

    Like

  24. Intriguing! I’m already wondering why she won’t heal! 🙂

    Like

  25. JannatWrites says:

    I liked your flash fiction piece. I don’t have anything to add that wasn’t already covered by previous commenters. (I saw a few great suggestions.) I’m glad you’re up to the challenge of writing outside of your norm. I write genre and still have a heck of time figuring out which one to call my stuff because the lines blur. Good luck!

    Like

    • clarbojahn says:

      What genre do you write in, Janna? When I see previews of your writing it seems like you aim for women’s fiction. What would you call it?
      Thanks for visiting and commenting. I appreciate you stopping by. Thanks for the good word. 🙂

      Like

Comments are closed.