What I’ve been reading about blogs lately is that sometimes you need to make a post where you are afraid to push the publish button. Here is the first one where I’ve been scared to post this blog.
I asked what my readers wanted and they replied they wanted me. Here it becomes tricky. Do I make myself vulnerable by talking about my faith struggle? That’s what’s central to who I am. Religious faith has always been important to me. I have changed my beliefs over the years. I was brought up Presbyterian and went to a Baptist church for a while. Finally going back to a Presbyterian church and now to Unity, but I still don’t know if I’ve found what I’m looking for. Do I open myself to controversy and talk about how far away from God I feel these days? Will that help you somehow? Will my story give you inspiration or strengthen your faith? I hope so.
I start my day with devotions out of Unity’s Daily Word and the Daily Guideposts. But it’s basically a habit. I rarely follow them up with prayer. In fact my prayer life has dried up. I noticed this desert long ago but have done little to water it except to pray a prayer of thanks once in a while. This morning I prayed ‘please make me more grateful’. I take my happy life for granted. Even my back, which has a disabling condition, has given me days where I’m pain free and I take it for granted. I rarely count my blessings. You would say no wonder you feel far away from God. You’re ungrateful.
Awhile ago a group I belong to had started rereading the text in ACIM (A Course in Miracles). We had finally finished the first reading after almost two years in a Tuesday night book reading. Some of us had begun the workbook. I had reached lesson 75 when my mother died and at the same time my step daughter had told me off. She told me in no uncertain terms what a nice person I was not. And there were some other stressors that summer, too. I stopped with the workbook lessons; probably when I needed them the most.
I had seen my image of God altered that year, reading and discussing the ACIM text and doing the workbook lessons. Now I didn’t have a God that was interested in the minutiae of my daily life. I’m not sure what my image of God is now but it’s not what carried me through the last thirty years. Instead of praying ‘to’ Him, I learned I should be meditating and letting Him ‘speak to’ me. I know all the techniques of meditating and do on occasion but not as a regular thing. One of my New Years resolutions was to make it a daily spiritual practice. I guess I lack discipline because I haven’t done that. Not even a feeble attempt. I keep trying to pray to a God that’s changed for me.
Have you had a spiritual crisis in your life or a time when you needed God but didn’t know how to reach Him? What works for you now? What is your daily spiritual practice?